INT. TAMASHA’S SPACE – NIGHT.
She dusts the cobwebs settling around – in all the corners and little crevices – and grabs a wooden stool, dragging it to the centre of the room, her mind. She sits and stares directly at the camera. You.
“Wazzzguuuud! It’s been an actual minute, hasn’t it? Well, I can explain. I haven’t felt like blogging lately… so I didn’t blog. There’s really no profound reason behind my silence. I did try to erect my thoughts constructively for the purposes of my Weekly Sunday Post but my brain told me to chill, so I listened. I guess it was reminding me that this is my space. I created it by myself and, frankly, for myself and there’s absolutely no need to feel pressured to write anything. Also, I’m scrapping this once-a-week-every-Sunday thing. I’m not a paid content creator yet so nje buzz off. Whenever I have a thought I want to share, however small, I will do so. Cool beans!
This Sunday, however, is a particularly spayzial one for me because it’s my 21st birfdaaaaay!” (*squeals and nearly falls off the stool*)
“Today, I want to talk about individuating, which is the process required for self-actualisation. I learned this word from a series called “She’s Gotta Have It”, which is a Spike Lee joint (yes, like the critically acclaimed ’80s indie film of the same name, but in contemporary times:). After trying to navigate life as a queer black woman with multiple lovers and a struggling career in the visual arts, Nola Darling eventually gets her big break with a massive solo art exhibition called “#IAmYourMirror”. One of her paintings (which she hides behind a red curtain and can only be viewed by one person at a time) causes much controversy. It is of her naked body being lynched by her own braids. Her body is painted with the American flag and is also quite bloodied. There are different emotions evoked by different people towards this shocking yet profound painting, with some praise but also lots of protest and criticism (even from those very dear to her). At no point does Nola waver from her artistic intention and feel the need to apologise or explain herself for causing a ‘stir’.
She has individuated, distinguished herself through her art and forged a new path to a higher sense of self.
There is no sbwl I sbwl more than this sbwl.
I see birthdays as a great time for self-reflection. The idea that a birthday is meant to be a day where you’re showered with gifts doesn’t really appeal to me (kodwa phela I do like gifts nami, I’m not ruling those out!). But think of it as a New Year, as a time to see how much growth has occurred and how much more still needs to happen. I am very proud to say that I am not in the same place that I was in last year when I turned 20 and that a lot of development has definitely taken place. I will forever want to improve myself and will always be a learner, and I’ve been learning a lot about myself of late.
My mind is my greatest strength but also my greatest weakness. I am plagued by anxiety, which allows me to live in fear of my heart’s deepest desires. It’s as if my spirit knows exactly what it needs to individuate, for me to become the essence of self, but my angst builds such a great wall in my mind that I feel physically restricted and unable to attain whatever it is that is meant to grow me and lead me towards a higher sense of self. Yerr.
So what I would like to work on, from now on until forever more, is mindfulness. I want to find ways of dissolving the ego and any misconstrued ideas I have of myself. I want to say ‘fuck you’ to self-debilitating narratives I have of myself but also the misconceptions that people may have of me. I want to give rise to the magnitude of greatness within me and operate from that space.
I’m exhausted just thinking about this. But individuating definitely seems like a lot of worthwhile work.
Sooo on Thursday, I stuck my vision board on my wardrobe for the world to see instead of keeping it hidden like I normally would. It may not seem like much, but now when I lay on my bed (which is a fond hobby of mine) I am constantly reminded of my heart’s deepest desires in picture form. I feel compelled to achieve the things I set out to do (after this Coco V mess, of course) and the thought of achieving said goals gives me great joy. I also started doing yoga last week (I have no cathartic revelations to express yet, but do check out the Yoga Workout app!) and I’ve really been enjoying stretching and breathing consciously. I’ve also been practising thought rehearsal/meditation, which is consciously envisioning yourself living out the desires of your heart. Fun times. I highly recommend it!
That’s pretty much it for now. I see that this lockdown has definitely taken a toll on my mental health and your girl has done zerrrooo school work (just a reminder to some of you that you are, in fact, a registered student). Plus my sleeping patterns are jacked as fuck.
I wish everyone a happy Sunday and I hope that you can join me on this path to mindfulness and meaningful living, for the purposes of individuating.
Hugs and kisses, from a loving Unicorn.”
